Vlogging it Baby

Makin' a comeback with a (somewhat awkward and tad embarrassing) BANG. My first vlog.
Fancy right? V L O G
I'm fancy now.

Instead of thinking about writing all the time. About how great it would be if I kept up with my blog. About all the stuff I want to share. About how good it is for me and how much I get out of it. About how connected I feel.

Instead of spending another couple of months thinking about what my first blog back should be ( um seriously...) might as well just go for it.

This is where I am at.

It's a really really great place. Time to share:-)

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New Norm

I want to tell this story of my family. How we left what we knew for what we thought was possible. How we are committed to the mission of creating dreams and LIVING them. I want to share how it all unfolds.

However all I can really say right now is.....

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

I really don't have a clue where to start telling this story.  Should I get right down to the dirt...

the fears, the missing home, the awkwardness of being "the new people", the toilet overflowing and coming pouring through the ceiling, Grace and I spending 5 hours in an emergency care center because she had strep throat the 2nd day she got here, Addy walking off the porch and into bushes because she thought they would hold her, Nola getting in trouble on a daily basis because that is just how she gets it all out, the basement flooding

or

The amazingly beautiful old house from the 1800's with a wrap around porch, the having to get used to a "huge" (for us) house, the small town where everyone smiles and waves to EVERYONE, the neighbors who baked us brownies, the beauty of having both the lake and the mountains surrounding us, the friendly coffee shop that already knows our regular, the teachers that went out of the way to welcome our girls, the new friends already made, the sweet teachers of a 2 year old program that we see every morning (bc she is also a crossing guard) that cannot wait to have Addy in her class...and she means it, getting real quality time with my kids, the excitement of decorating a house from the 1800s, reconnecting to Andy and myself.

Emotions are high. 

We miss our norm.

Creating a new normal takes work. It takes commitment. It takes choosing happiness and making it our # 1 priority. It is THAT important.

Being scared shitless and staying open when all you (I) want to do is run and hide. Taking life on and being real.

These are my goals.

I want to record this time. I want to remind myself, in years to come, of what this feels like so that I can create more of it. Over and over and over again. 

This is the good stuff.

Will upload pictures soon. Can't find the cordy thingy to download them from my camera.

A BIg Move

So....I have been sitting in front of the computer staring for about 1/2 hour. I have started and stopped this post a couple of times. I wanted to make it cute, funny, interesting.....a good story. Thing is......I am just not finding the words. This is all that is on my mind and I need to put it out there. It just needs to be a clean cut, tell it like it is, moment.

We are moving. We have made the decision to move to upstate NY. It is a town about 30 minutes outside of Syracuse. We have been in love with this place for years. We visit all the time. We have talked to more than a dozen locals about what it is like to live there. We have read about it. Looked at a zillion websites. Spent more and more time there. Talked to more and more people there. We have done the research.

We still love it.....even more.

It is scary and big and SCARY but it is what our hearts are telling us to do.

We want to live somewhere beautiful, quiet, and open. That said, there is no way we could live in the hicks somewhere. This place is artsy, cultured, and homey. It has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. I actually found the town of my dreams!

We have doubted this. I mean seriously, a dream come true? This can't be for real!

But it is.

Uprooting our kids, living far from family, not knowing anyone, winters!......these are all legitimate concerns. Rest assured we have thought about, talked about, and prayed about them all.

The conclusion?

We, us and our kids, deserve a shot at this dream. NOW is the time.

Our financial...crap...gave us a jump start. It has been a blessing in disguise. We are turning a negative into a positive. We are taking control of our lives.

We feel empowered and inspired.

I know. I mean like in the heart of my heart.....the deepest part of me.....my soul.....that this is right.

So where do we stand in this moment?

This needs to happen fast. We want the girls to start school there next month. So...we need to rent our place and find a place there...ASAP. ( anyone that feels like manifesting this for us along with me, I would be ever so grateful:-)

I plan on blogging a lot more there. I am going to need to keep those close to me updated on it all:-)
So, thought I better start talking about it now. Get the whole story from the beginning.

I am excited for this journey.......life keeps getting bigger and better.

Dream Body

My Step 2

The real Dream. This is how I want to feel.

I will read this everyday. EVERY single day. AND I will do it in the mirror. I will look at myself when I say these words. I will allow these words to permeate every cell in my body. I will love these words.

This is where I typically go astray. I disconnect from my heart. That is really what those last few pounds I hold onto are for me....a disconnection. I keep my heart at a distance. I choose to ignore it. To shush it.

So, I am committing to connecting. To keeping it intimate for myself. To not Glaze Over the truth of what I really want, deserve, and truly AM.

Here's the dream.........

I am in the best shape of my life! I am a bold, beautiful, ROCKIN 128 lbs. My new relationship with food is one of mutual respect and love. I eat delicious foods that taste fabulous with freedom and self control. I choose foods today that help me maintain my peaceful and beautiful high of feeling good. I love my sexy smoking hot bod! I wear it well:-) As I lift Addy Mei up, I get a glance at my toned soft arms and can feel my strength. I love wearing my cute little running shorts because I know how Andy can’t get enough of my feminine and shapely legs and I love how far they can take me today. I move from one activity to the next with energy and enthusiasm. I move and use what I got. Working out  is one of my favorite parts of my daily routine YES!!. Today I like to sweat and challenge myself. It makes me feel beautiful and feeling things shift and tighten just never gets old.  I am fabulously fit! I have the sculpted back I have always wanted. BUT my favorite part of my body is my abs. They are kick ass!!! I am the poster girl for post baby six pack and I own it. I rock my bikini and weather I am swimming, laying out, playing frisbee or sitting up on my blanket....I am at total ease with my body. The presence I feel in my own skin today is easy and like a huge awesome exhale....it’s natural. Walking around in sweats, bathing suit , bra and underwear, naked.....it is all natural and effortless. I feel pretty. My passion oozes through my radiant skin. My hair is growing so fast and shines in my hip funky do wether I spend time on it or air dry and throw it up. I am so damn cool:-) Which brings me to my wardrobe......I love wearing my clothes. They fit ME and are an extension of ME. I dress for myself, my personality, my creativity, and my body. I have fun getting dressed and expressing myself with what I wear. Dressing this size 4 body is a dream and I feel fabulous!!!!
My mind and heart are open to more than I could have imagined. This is what I have dreamed about. This is who I truly am. I AM FREE!!!!!!

If they can do this....C'mon!

So.....I am on line at the grocery store the other day. I have all three girls with me. Grace is ahead of me looking at the redbox movies begging to rent Narnia for the 1000th time. Addy is taking over the store...pulling every pack of gum off the display, saying HI! to everyone that passes and REFUSING to sit in the cart. Nola is wanting so desperately to help me bag the food and actually being petty damn cute but insists of putting seltzer bottles in the same bag as the grapes and cereal...making it an awkward heavy bag with squished grape juice oozing out.

That said, I don't know how I even had a minute to look up but I indeed did look up. And there it was. The cover of what I think was People. On the cover were two women who were from the show The Biggest Loser. There they were. Standing tall in the their new bodies. Rocking it. They looked pretty damn amazing. Both of them had lost over a hundred pounds. THEY WERE IN BATHING SUITS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

I mean seriously, anyone who has ever felt or actually been over weight, you know that a bathing suit is not small potatoes. That is like the Mecca of weight loss.....to feel good and proud in a little suit for bathing. And here they were on a cover of a national magazine. WOW! That had to feel amazing.

My first thought was , "Holy Shit, that is a lot of weight to lose. Good for them."

My next thought was, "They were close to 300 pounds and now one of them is in a bikini. What the hell am I doing!!!!!?"

I have been wanting to lose 5-10 pounds for years! I am at a "normal" weight. I eat fabulously. I exercise regularly. I am fan-freaking-tastic at maintaining and not gaining.

I look healthy. I will not deny that. I may even go as far as to say I look pretty good.

But my dream body? ........nope, not it

I want to be able to wear a bikini.......and if offered the opportunity to do this on a national scale......I would respond with "Why the hell not?" or "Let me check my schedule ....Oh wait, I am shooting for Elle that day. Sorry!"....cause right now if someone told me that I would be in ANY sort of bikini photo, let's just say, the thought of it makes me want to hide or run like hell for the hills.

So, I stay in the this body that is......OK, passable, doable, alright.....when all I have yearned for is to feel fabulous, fantastic, bold, and beautiful. I want to rock every inch of me. Not to be on a cover of a magazine but to be free.

I want out of this game of "Oh if I could only lose the last few"

I am calling BULLSHIT

Here is the truth

I eat too much. Bottom line. I eat great to maintain but if I want to lose I need to cut a few things out and, by golly, I am a brat that wants what she wants when she wants it.
I am not talking major cut backs. I am a green juice junkie and vegan and all that jazz but there are some things I know I need to change and the willingness to change them has been lacking for sure.

Example...almond butter
need I say more?

In Kris Carr's book she says for people who don't want to lose while doing her cleanse they should eat more nuts and nut butters.    FOR PEOPLE WHO DON"T WANT TO LOSE!!!! Not for the lady who is always talking about the same 5-10 lbs and pretending to be confused that they are not going anywhere.

Problem: If there is a jar of almond butter in my house I will consume it for every meal, snack, and drink if I could, until it is gone.
Solution: Don't buy almond butter.

So, brutal/thorough honesty here folks. No more blurry, wishy washy, glazed over the reality kinda sorta mess I have myself in. I am getting real and putting it out there.

I want to lose not 5-10....no, here's better......I want to lose 10. Yup, that's right. Now I said it. shit!
So .....I am going to tell you my weight. AAHHHHHH!! I don't tell my husband, mother, sisters, even my kids......I don't even like my doctor knowing.....but I need clarity and honesty. I have been hiding for too long.

Just OK is not good enough anymore. I want my dream. I deserve my dream.

And let's be serious, it is not really about the weight. I need to shed the mental lbs, the fear, the blocks to light. That is what this is about. Losing those last lbs just represents making more room to play big!

Here goes........YIKES

Right now I am 138. I want to be strong, fit, energetic, fabulous, enthusiastic, bold, beautiful 128!!!!!

Step one: no almond butter

I am going to blog about the rest of the steps I am taking. You keep me accountable. I need that.

When it is done...when the extra baggage I have been holding onto for way to long is gone......I will rock a bikini.........may even post a killer picture......MAYBE

Little Love Lady

Today is July 14th. It is the day I was granted more than one miracle. My life and the life of my baby were saved by a whole series of events, amazing doctors, and most importantly....prayer. Even more significant, it is the day Adeline Mei was born.She is force to take notice of. A spirit that will change this world. And a soul that touches me on the deepest level.

I swear, before this kid was even conceived, she was fighting to get here. I was done having kids. I had no interest in getting pregnant. Then literally, in one moment, I changed my mind. I was overcome with the desire to have a baby. I had no fear of it not happening, despite my two lost pregnancies in the previous couple of years. I even said out loud to both my sister and Andy, who took some convincing,  that this baby was coming no matter what......before I was even pregnant.

We had a scare during the pregnancy. I had blood levels that were high and there was a strong chance that something was not right. I needed tests. I needed to make decsions. I started to get scared. I started to doubt.

While home alone one afternoon I  broke down. I cried. A lot. It brought me to my knees. I asked for help. I asked for acceptance. I asked to be given the strength to deal.

I was answered by an overwhelming sense that all was well. I felt like God was reminding me that we, God and I, were growing a baby together. No matter what, this baby needed to get here.

On the afternoon of July 14th,  5 weeks before she was due, Adeline Mei decided it was time to make her debut. She was a show stopper from day one.

What happened that day is rare, scary, big, terrifying, life changing, and so so beautiful.

We are both here and so very alive.

Today my little girl continues to play big. I have no doubt she is destined for continued greatness. I know she was and is needed here. If only to remind me to live.

Thank you Addy Mei.

Thank you for being such a love with all your freely given kisses and hugs. I love more because of you.
Thank you for being such a stinkin' brat and "know it all". I stand taller because of you.
Thank you for being such a fearless toughie. I am stronger and braver because of you.
Thank you for being such a whacky character. I find more joy in life today because of you.
Thank you for being here and being so determined to stay. I will forever be more present and determined to LIVE because of you.

Happy Birthday my little love lady xoxoxoxoxo

During......

Yo yo yo...what up?

I always find myself here, writing on this blog, AFTER I have had some sort of shot in the ass of clarity or inspiration. I am thinking it may be cool to do some writing here DURING the saga that finally brings me back to my knees and finally open to receive the inspiration.
Thinking I may roll out of it a wee bit faster, no?

So...yeah....I have been down. Down and out in a funky and annoying as hell funk and feeling OH SO stuck in it all. I have been pissed, sad, scared, irritated, bratty, and...as much as I hate to use this word...depressed. That is what it is called when you a in a pretty consistent bad mood, have little to no motivation to do anything about it, complain all the time, could cry at the drop of a hat, and feel sorry for yourself because of it all. Right?

How the hell did I let it get this far before taking ACTION?

Well, I have some ideas as to why...

1- I have not been telling the truth about it. I fake a good mood like no body's business. I want everyone and their mother to think/believe that I am A-OK. Don't want your sympathy, pity, or suggestions. Plain and simple. I don't want to look bad. I am scared you will judge me.

Action being taken- Here is the truth. We are in danger of losing our house. We are applying for a re mod and if we don't get it.....we will need to leave. Big shit huh??!!
We are thinking about taking matters into our own hands and looking at this as an opportunity to make a change. We have talked about and dreamed about moving upstate forever. Maybe now is the time?
BIG decision. One we need to agree on fully and as of now...not so much.
So......we are at a stand still until the fall.
So, this has been weighing on my mind and messing with my head.
Now it is officially "out there" and I don't have to carry it......ahhhh!

2- I have been screwing up my job. I have felt overwhelmed and incompetent. Fear running rampant! Sound something like this......
What if I can't do it.....She is so much smarter than me....How could I mess up like this......What if they think I am an idiot.....This is hard......This is not for me.....I need to try harder....I will wake up earlier...I will go to bed later.....Exercise will need to wait....Meditation will need to wait......My kids will wait......I am a horrible mother....I am supposed to have all this together...I am such a crock of shit......I should quit......I suck.....I bet they regret giving me this job now......How could I have thought I was cut out for this.....They are totally going to fire me.....I hope they fire me......But I need this.....I am trying so hard and it is not working!!

How gross is that?!

Miss intenSati...Miss Affirmation....Miss think positive...Miss Believe.............
It all went out the window. By choice I mind you. It didn't fall out the window. I threw it.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have an excuse to feel sorry for myself and be overwhelmed and mess up and get out of stepping up.
Overwhelm and feeling sorry for myself are great ways of "getting out of" being great. It worked. I haven't been great.

Action being taken: First, confessing all this stuff and then choosing to take back the FAITH.
I work for a Life Coaching company. One that I am training with to become a coach myself. It is an opportunity of a life time. This is a dream coming true. But instead of accepting this as a true gift, I have been scared as hell and sabotaging it. In fear of not being as amazing as I dream to be and looking how I think it should look and sounding like I think I should sound........I lost why I am here in the first place.
I lost faith.
I have gotten so wrapped up in "trying so hard". I have forgotten how to let go, accept and have faith.
I forgot that the actions I take, need to be from a place of faith, trust, and LOVE and not from a place of fear and "TRYING to make it happen."

3- I have forgotten my whole gut driven dream.
I want to be a light. I want to be a light for my kids, my husband, all kids, my family, my community, young girls, women, moms......I want to shine really freakin bright. I want to use my "shit" and my light to help, encourage, inspire, uplift, ground, hold, carry......I want to create. I want to shine like hell and do it with you all.
I want to be used to spread love and make this world better.

Big dream.
I KNOW.

It scares me. That is why I dim the living fuck out of myself and stay in shadows. Cause I am chicken shit!

Action being taken:
Well, admitting it here is step one.
Next is bringing a conversation out of the shadows that I need to get honest about. And that is my relationship to G-d. God, the Universe, higher power, Buddha, High Priestess........I don't really care what it is called but it is the presence of this in my life that I have shied away from and that I KNOW I need most.
I don't share about it as honestly as I need to because I am so scared of being judged. What if someone thinks I am a Jesus freak or Holy Roller or something? GASP

The reason I am so scared of this particular judgement is because it is one I have made, many times, myself. Yep. I totally have made many a comment about the "Jesus Freaks."

I called them weird and even judged them morally. (That is SO me, BTW, to judge someone for being judgemental. ....... aren't I so funny?!)

The truth is I need this relationship with God. I NEED that connection for it all to make sense and for it all to be worth it. For me.
AND I need to be honest about and not save this conversation for my family or few chosen friends. It is too big a part of me and too tiring to keep quiet. I don't care what, if anything, you believe. I don't give a shit if you are an atheist. More power to you. (Don't know if you are reading this, my adorable atheist friend, but damn, I love your atheist ass!)
But if I am going to really learn how to be this light I talk about, I will need to be the real me. And the real me actually would like to use the word God now and then. There. I said it. Just keeping it real for me peeps. Fo shizzle.

So, in keeping it real, I plan....better yet, I PROMISE, to write at least once a week.
It is a start.

This felt good. Thanks for reading.
:-)