If they can do this....C'mon!

So.....I am on line at the grocery store the other day. I have all three girls with me. Grace is ahead of me looking at the redbox movies begging to rent Narnia for the 1000th time. Addy is taking over the store...pulling every pack of gum off the display, saying HI! to everyone that passes and REFUSING to sit in the cart. Nola is wanting so desperately to help me bag the food and actually being petty damn cute but insists of putting seltzer bottles in the same bag as the grapes and cereal...making it an awkward heavy bag with squished grape juice oozing out.

That said, I don't know how I even had a minute to look up but I indeed did look up. And there it was. The cover of what I think was People. On the cover were two women who were from the show The Biggest Loser. There they were. Standing tall in the their new bodies. Rocking it. They looked pretty damn amazing. Both of them had lost over a hundred pounds. THEY WERE IN BATHING SUITS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

I mean seriously, anyone who has ever felt or actually been over weight, you know that a bathing suit is not small potatoes. That is like the Mecca of weight loss.....to feel good and proud in a little suit for bathing. And here they were on a cover of a national magazine. WOW! That had to feel amazing.

My first thought was , "Holy Shit, that is a lot of weight to lose. Good for them."

My next thought was, "They were close to 300 pounds and now one of them is in a bikini. What the hell am I doing!!!!!?"

I have been wanting to lose 5-10 pounds for years! I am at a "normal" weight. I eat fabulously. I exercise regularly. I am fan-freaking-tastic at maintaining and not gaining.

I look healthy. I will not deny that. I may even go as far as to say I look pretty good.

But my dream body? ........nope, not it

I want to be able to wear a bikini.......and if offered the opportunity to do this on a national scale......I would respond with "Why the hell not?" or "Let me check my schedule ....Oh wait, I am shooting for Elle that day. Sorry!"....cause right now if someone told me that I would be in ANY sort of bikini photo, let's just say, the thought of it makes me want to hide or run like hell for the hills.

So, I stay in the this body that is......OK, passable, doable, alright.....when all I have yearned for is to feel fabulous, fantastic, bold, and beautiful. I want to rock every inch of me. Not to be on a cover of a magazine but to be free.

I want out of this game of "Oh if I could only lose the last few"

I am calling BULLSHIT

Here is the truth

I eat too much. Bottom line. I eat great to maintain but if I want to lose I need to cut a few things out and, by golly, I am a brat that wants what she wants when she wants it.
I am not talking major cut backs. I am a green juice junkie and vegan and all that jazz but there are some things I know I need to change and the willingness to change them has been lacking for sure.

Example...almond butter
need I say more?

In Kris Carr's book she says for people who don't want to lose while doing her cleanse they should eat more nuts and nut butters.    FOR PEOPLE WHO DON"T WANT TO LOSE!!!! Not for the lady who is always talking about the same 5-10 lbs and pretending to be confused that they are not going anywhere.

Problem: If there is a jar of almond butter in my house I will consume it for every meal, snack, and drink if I could, until it is gone.
Solution: Don't buy almond butter.

So, brutal/thorough honesty here folks. No more blurry, wishy washy, glazed over the reality kinda sorta mess I have myself in. I am getting real and putting it out there.

I want to lose not 5-10....no, here's better......I want to lose 10. Yup, that's right. Now I said it. shit!
So .....I am going to tell you my weight. AAHHHHHH!! I don't tell my husband, mother, sisters, even my kids......I don't even like my doctor knowing.....but I need clarity and honesty. I have been hiding for too long.

Just OK is not good enough anymore. I want my dream. I deserve my dream.

And let's be serious, it is not really about the weight. I need to shed the mental lbs, the fear, the blocks to light. That is what this is about. Losing those last lbs just represents making more room to play big!

Here goes........YIKES

Right now I am 138. I want to be strong, fit, energetic, fabulous, enthusiastic, bold, beautiful 128!!!!!

Step one: no almond butter

I am going to blog about the rest of the steps I am taking. You keep me accountable. I need that.

When it is done...when the extra baggage I have been holding onto for way to long is gone......I will rock a bikini.........may even post a killer picture......MAYBE