During......

Yo yo yo...what up?

I always find myself here, writing on this blog, AFTER I have had some sort of shot in the ass of clarity or inspiration. I am thinking it may be cool to do some writing here DURING the saga that finally brings me back to my knees and finally open to receive the inspiration.
Thinking I may roll out of it a wee bit faster, no?

So...yeah....I have been down. Down and out in a funky and annoying as hell funk and feeling OH SO stuck in it all. I have been pissed, sad, scared, irritated, bratty, and...as much as I hate to use this word...depressed. That is what it is called when you a in a pretty consistent bad mood, have little to no motivation to do anything about it, complain all the time, could cry at the drop of a hat, and feel sorry for yourself because of it all. Right?

How the hell did I let it get this far before taking ACTION?

Well, I have some ideas as to why...

1- I have not been telling the truth about it. I fake a good mood like no body's business. I want everyone and their mother to think/believe that I am A-OK. Don't want your sympathy, pity, or suggestions. Plain and simple. I don't want to look bad. I am scared you will judge me.

Action being taken- Here is the truth. We are in danger of losing our house. We are applying for a re mod and if we don't get it.....we will need to leave. Big shit huh??!!
We are thinking about taking matters into our own hands and looking at this as an opportunity to make a change. We have talked about and dreamed about moving upstate forever. Maybe now is the time?
BIG decision. One we need to agree on fully and as of now...not so much.
So......we are at a stand still until the fall.
So, this has been weighing on my mind and messing with my head.
Now it is officially "out there" and I don't have to carry it......ahhhh!

2- I have been screwing up my job. I have felt overwhelmed and incompetent. Fear running rampant! Sound something like this......
What if I can't do it.....She is so much smarter than me....How could I mess up like this......What if they think I am an idiot.....This is hard......This is not for me.....I need to try harder....I will wake up earlier...I will go to bed later.....Exercise will need to wait....Meditation will need to wait......My kids will wait......I am a horrible mother....I am supposed to have all this together...I am such a crock of shit......I should quit......I suck.....I bet they regret giving me this job now......How could I have thought I was cut out for this.....They are totally going to fire me.....I hope they fire me......But I need this.....I am trying so hard and it is not working!!

How gross is that?!

Miss intenSati...Miss Affirmation....Miss think positive...Miss Believe.............
It all went out the window. By choice I mind you. It didn't fall out the window. I threw it.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have an excuse to feel sorry for myself and be overwhelmed and mess up and get out of stepping up.
Overwhelm and feeling sorry for myself are great ways of "getting out of" being great. It worked. I haven't been great.

Action being taken: First, confessing all this stuff and then choosing to take back the FAITH.
I work for a Life Coaching company. One that I am training with to become a coach myself. It is an opportunity of a life time. This is a dream coming true. But instead of accepting this as a true gift, I have been scared as hell and sabotaging it. In fear of not being as amazing as I dream to be and looking how I think it should look and sounding like I think I should sound........I lost why I am here in the first place.
I lost faith.
I have gotten so wrapped up in "trying so hard". I have forgotten how to let go, accept and have faith.
I forgot that the actions I take, need to be from a place of faith, trust, and LOVE and not from a place of fear and "TRYING to make it happen."

3- I have forgotten my whole gut driven dream.
I want to be a light. I want to be a light for my kids, my husband, all kids, my family, my community, young girls, women, moms......I want to shine really freakin bright. I want to use my "shit" and my light to help, encourage, inspire, uplift, ground, hold, carry......I want to create. I want to shine like hell and do it with you all.
I want to be used to spread love and make this world better.

Big dream.
I KNOW.

It scares me. That is why I dim the living fuck out of myself and stay in shadows. Cause I am chicken shit!

Action being taken:
Well, admitting it here is step one.
Next is bringing a conversation out of the shadows that I need to get honest about. And that is my relationship to G-d. God, the Universe, higher power, Buddha, High Priestess........I don't really care what it is called but it is the presence of this in my life that I have shied away from and that I KNOW I need most.
I don't share about it as honestly as I need to because I am so scared of being judged. What if someone thinks I am a Jesus freak or Holy Roller or something? GASP

The reason I am so scared of this particular judgement is because it is one I have made, many times, myself. Yep. I totally have made many a comment about the "Jesus Freaks."

I called them weird and even judged them morally. (That is SO me, BTW, to judge someone for being judgemental. ....... aren't I so funny?!)

The truth is I need this relationship with God. I NEED that connection for it all to make sense and for it all to be worth it. For me.
AND I need to be honest about and not save this conversation for my family or few chosen friends. It is too big a part of me and too tiring to keep quiet. I don't care what, if anything, you believe. I don't give a shit if you are an atheist. More power to you. (Don't know if you are reading this, my adorable atheist friend, but damn, I love your atheist ass!)
But if I am going to really learn how to be this light I talk about, I will need to be the real me. And the real me actually would like to use the word God now and then. There. I said it. Just keeping it real for me peeps. Fo shizzle.

So, in keeping it real, I plan....better yet, I PROMISE, to write at least once a week.
It is a start.

This felt good. Thanks for reading.
:-)