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So...I have no real clue what I want to be saying right now. I am lost for a specific topic and I am not very focused at all. I am actually, in this moment, feeling a little crappy. Physically, the whole family has gotten some sort of virus. But also mentally and spiritually and am a little blah. I have come up with a few possible reasons why but I am not totally clear yet.

What I do know is that I want to be writing. I want to be sharing. AND I want to do it here.
The reasons why are not even very clear to me at this moment. It could be because the more transparent I am the better I feel. When I let the story play out in my head for too long it can get cloudy and convoluted. It could be because this blog helped me heal a broken heart when I first started writing it  and now I am hoping it can help that very same heart open up to what it needs the most.

I believe my heart needs to be wide open.

I have a strong.........(.not sure of the best word to use here).....desire, calling, intention, mission, order, inspiration, need......... to share it all....the good, the bad, the light and the dark. I want to dump it all out, sort through it, clean it up, and make room for the new.

I have often felt like I needed to know the answers and that I really should keep my mouth shut until I did.  I am letting go of that impossible desire. I have not a freakin' clue. I'm just having a human experience and I don't want to waste it. May not always be pretty but pretty is so damn exhausting anyway.

I want real.

Why do this on a blog? Why so publicly?

I don't have a good answer.

I do know that my head can be a very dangerous place. I have not been very nice to myself for the majority of my life. I have lacked compassion for myself.  I have also let myself be ruled by my own fears and ......more fears.  I, very rarely, have given myself the kick in the ass I need. I am a really good dreamer. I am also really good and convincing myself and everyone around me why my dreams are impossible. So, I allow myself to complain and feel sorry for myself instead of just moving my ASS!!
I have a really good life. I know this.
I also know that there is a shit load more out there for me to do, see, accomplish, LIVE.
In comes the fear.....
I need this place for accountability.
I need you (even if this is just my parents and sisters reading) to be here. By just being here, you are helping me help myself give the loving and compassionate ass whoopin' I so need.

The other night I saw one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time....maybe ever.
Bridesmaids. HYSTERICAL. Go see it.
They managed to fit funny, wacky, even gross humor along with some sweet touching real moments.
I keep thinking about one in particular. I don't know the exact words but something like, "YOU are your biggest problem and YOU are your only solution."

So here I am. Again. One foot in front of the other. Getting real. Getting honest.
Opening up and doing it with you.