So NOT Worth Putting it Off

It is time for me to get clean again. Feels like I am needing to do this a lot lately.

Or maybe it is just getting clear how "unclean" I was for so long. How many times I would bury what I was feeling, run from it, hide from the truth, let it bottle up and then develop crazy resentments and convince myself it was totally rational or smart to give up, quit, and...let's not forget.....blame someone else.

Sounds like I am about to dump some crazy shit on all of you doesn't it?. If you are looking for something really juicy I may disappoint you. This is really for me. It is an opportunity for me to be honest, tell MY truth, and move past it.

I broke a promise on Friday. I had told my bosses that I would rate (on a scale of 1-10) my "space" twice a day. If was below an 8, I would call one of them to vent.

Well....on Friday my space was more like a 6, maybe even a 5 and....no call.

It started early. Andy and I ended up in a pretty decent argument before I even brought the girls to school. So, not only did I feel shitty about saying some nasty things to the man I love but, put on top of that, knowing my girls had to go to school with a knot in their stomachs because of what they just witnessed.

I was going to write out all the details here of why we got in the fight and even why I was in such a cranky ass spot to begin with. However, it doesn't really matter anymore.
Bottom line was I being controlling, judgmental, and such a total brat. Basically, things were not going my way and I was throwing yet another temper tantrum.

However, I was so caught up in this tornado I had single handily created that I was NOT seeing it very clearly. With every hour that went by I got more bitchy, more whiny, and made myself more and more comfortable sitting on my pity pot.

OK......so now back to that promise I was talking about......
I ignored it.
In the middle of the afternoon I had a brief thought of making the call followed by every excuse why I didn't really need to, why it would just be annoying for them to get and how I couldn't possibly bother such busy women with my petty crap.

So, I put it off.

By the end of the day, I was so swooped up in my temper tantrum tornado, that the call wasn't even on my radar.

Friday night, as I was sending in my hours for the week, I began an email to one of my bosses. I started to get honest about my "space". However, I was tired and still way too cranky to think straight. Plus I knew that once I sent it I was going to have to get even more honest and deal with writing about it for you all to see. Basically.....I just wanted to go to sleep and not deal. Whah Whah whine whine......obviously not ready to get out of the funk.
So, I hit save (so I thought) and went to bed.

What I did do before I went to bed though was pray. I say that because, for me, it is when the shift always begins.

I woke up the next morning a little less ready to attack BUT STILL cranky as hell. It didn't take long for Andy and I to go at it again.

Maybe it is that all the life coaching I am getting is beginning to stick, maybe I am growing up, maybe I am really ready and willing to be the person I want to be.....not sure BUT I listened to what he had to say.
It wasn't easy to hear. I have been a bit of an........asshole.
So I listened, I cried and apologized.
I was beginning to stop spinning and standing little straighter.

Then I was off to teach my intenSati class. The whole way there I was praying that nobody would show up. I couldn't possibly get in front of a room and teach in this state of mind. Nice right?
I had too much to do and was way too in my head.

BUT.....they did come and they were expecting a class that inspired them.

The shift continued.......

I got real. I got real about my space. That I had been an asshole to my husband, that I was wrapped up in a tantrum tornado AND that I wanted out!

As I led the class in a moving meditation to the serenity prayer, I slowly but surely began to let go.
Saying, hearing and embodying the words...

I accept what I cannot change
I have the courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

.......When I got home I went to the computer to complete and send the email to my boss. I was ready to put it all out there.
Turns out when I thought I was hitting save the night before, I had hit send. HA!!!!
I had already gotten honest without knowing it.
My first reaction....OH SHIT!
My next.....thank G-d
It was followed with support and encouragement to stand in my truth and my commitment to myself.
Why had I put this off??????

This getting clean thing feels SO f'n good.

The tornado has stopped. I am still cleaning up some of the mess it made. BUT I am doing it.
Not giving up, quitting, or blaming someone else.

I was able to be present the rest of the weekend. And......Oh, what a fabulous weekend it was.

Getting out of my own head allowed me to be there to see, feel and embrace these moments.........

I am so so grateful!

Thanks for listening:-)