Own it Rock it Share it

****I totally curse in this post....just sayin****

It has been a long ass time since I last wrote. I had a brief little rendezvous with the blog back in December for Grace's birthday and then......I went back under the radar. It has not been for the lack of material to write about. That is for sure. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Life is happening. It is getting bigger, wider, and full of all the meaty( eww, meaty is such a gross word...right up there with chunky)  how about...... we just say the "good" stuff inside.

 I got the goods:-)

I have been digging deeper than ever before. Looking at some...not so pretty...things about me. And dealing.

When I started this blog I was at a major turning point and I was feeling lost.  When having my baby we both came way way too close to, let me be blunt, dying...losing our lives. (Still can't believe that this is part of my story.) I had no idea how to deal with this. I was up to my eyeballs in emotion, questions, and fear. I knew I had to get it out, vent, dump if you will....but then what. What the hell was I to do with all of it???!!!

I was stirred up. I needed something to do with all the crazy amounts of mental, emotional, spiritual, AND physical energy. It was like they were all playing ping pong inside of me. I was ready to pop!

I had been given a gift. I lived. My baby and I are walking miracles. NOW WHAT?

I wanted to bask in this glorious beacon of light called gratitude. I wanted to share my story. I felt like I had something pulsing inside me. I was being guided, moved, and felt like a power greater than me was ready and trying to USE me.

 BUT instead.....I got quiet. I played small. I started shrinking into.....ordinary.

This is not new for me. I am really comfortable playing small. Going under the radar...not being noticed.

I stay where it is safe. I am terrified of failing, not being good enough, and most of all being judged.
I have recently, thanks to the help of my work with my life coach, come to grips with the fact that I have been a big fat quitter in my life. Anything that lit that fire in me, inspired me, got me feeling like the whole world was open and I could conquer it all........well.......I quit.

But here's the catch. It don't always physically quit. Meaning, you or anyone else looking in, would not necessarily know that I was throwing in the towel. For me, I am more of a mental, emotional, and spiritual quitter.

So, when I feel success getting close.....when I sense that I may be recognized for my beauty, light, talents, gifts......well then I slowly but surely begin to shut down.

I have done this in a very very sneaky ways. I am not even always conscious that I am doing this. My favorite, or maybe that is not the best word to use, more of my most common, "go to" to help me bail and run like hell.......FOOD. Oh, how I let FOOD play with me. It is my easiest and quickest out.

When I was in HS and started getting noticed by boys........I started gaining weight.
Then I got what I thought I wanted, a boyfriend, whoah!...too much.....I started starving myself.
When I was in college and it was time to graduate.......I started gaining weight.
While I was studying abroad in London and loving my European freedom......I ate then starved then ate again.
When I was acting while living in Los Angeles and starting to get positive feedback.......I started gaining weight.
When I was single and living the life I dreamed about in NYC......I obsessed with my food and body and therefore.......hid from this dream life.
When I fell in love and married an amazingly loving man......had my first baby.......adopted my little girl.....made a new friend......got a compliment for what I looked like.......or anything that made me feel really good.....close to greatness....near my purpose in this life.......I f'n run for cover under my plate!!!

(It needs to be said, I am not only partial to food as a way out. I will use other people...my kids in particular....anything to give me a way to hide.)

My life coach, put it perfectly....I have been fighting for mediocrity.

God forbid, I live an extraordinary life!

But why? This sounds absurd. I would talk about wanting all those goodies like awesome life, fab relationships, big $$, rockin career, killer bod......why the hell would I deny myself that??????

Two very simple reasons:
1- It is scary as hell....it takes putting yourself out THERE. Out "there", as in, in the big ole world people!!...I could be judged! GASP what is someone doesn't like me? ( add sarcastic awwww)
2- It is a lot of work. Extraordinary takes EFFORT......HA! .....and I have been just plain LAZY my friends.

I am over this.....BULL SHIT. What am I teaching my kids by playing small? I need to start using all that I got. For crying out loud.......I am alive!

It is time to live.
I am taking a big FUCKING BITE, pun totally intended,  out of life!

I am still scared.
I still need to fight off laziness.
The miracle today is in the dreams.
Today my dreams are growing and shifting and getting really really fun and juicy.
Today, gosh darn it, I am beginning to feel limitless.

I am going for extraordinary.

I believe we are all destined for greatness. It is just waiting for us.
And here's the kicker....

WE ARE THE ONLY ONES IN OUR WAY!!

It is simple. Not always easy BUT so so simple.

Our greatness already lies within us. Our job is to uncover it. To ( Z finger snap BAM BAM BAM.)...work it!

This is my new motto....
OWN IT......work what you got, believe in it, step into YOUR own greatness
ROCK IT....no playing small, stand in your beauty and fabulousness
SHARE IT....let the world see YOU, your gifts, your talents, your uniqueness, who you are is needed in this world. YOU have something important to say and it needs to be heard!

So, my blog readers( aka my sisters and mom:-), I am back.

It is my time to own it, rock it, AND here ........is where I will share it.