To My Oldest Daughter

It was eight years ago tonight that I sat, propped up, in a hospital bed. While your dad sat uncomfortably at the end of that bed and we just stared at each other. We were in utter shock. We were so young. We were so scared. And we were so so overwhelmed with the love we were feeling for this little girl that had just entered our lives.

A few hours earlier, the nurse announced,"It's a girl!" I started to scream, uncontrollably scream. I had not had a preference. I honestly believed I was happy either way, boy or girl. We spent the previous 9 months discussing the fun possibilities and with great anticipation imagined what our future would be like with either a son or daughter. Both fantasies were fun. One was not "better" than the other. BUT, when I heard those words,"It's a girl!"......it was like " Well OF COURSE! She is here, my daughter is finally here. The way it is supposed to be. Always has been, always will be." It just all made sense. My Grace.

Being the first kid isn't always easy. To be honest kid, we have no clue what we are doing and we are learning along with you. You have been present and all too aware of some...not so comfy cozy conversations, events, and situations. You listen and take it all in. Sometimes too much. That head of yours works in double time. I can actually see you thinking. You are very good at looking like you are unaware of the "grown up discussions" going on but I always know when I will need to explain something when we get home.

Your ability to take it all in also makes you what we call a thinker. This isn't always easy for a little kid. It has been hard for me to watch at times. I've wished I could teach you to be care free. I prayed for you to not care so much.

See, I told you I have no clue what I am doing with this parenting thing. I am learning as I go. 

I am learning that your greatest struggle as a second grader is also growing into your greatest asset that you will carry into life from hear on in.

Not many get to see the silly side of you. You are this quirky, funny as hell, goof ball......  a goof ball that cares. You care deeply. You care so much you want to evoke change. You read, ask questions, listen, ask more questions ( many of which I have trouble answering). You make me think, make me ask my own questions. That, my dear little girl, inspires me. Thank you.

Your eight today. WOW. You are an incredible big sister, a fabulous friend, a loving granddaughter, a thoughtful cousin, an amazing niece, an fantastic student and the absolute best first child a mother could ask for.

You still make me feel like you did eight years ago, with a love that can overwhelm us. Like, no matter how nuts it gets out in the world or even how crazy it gets in this house, YOU make it make sense. You are my daughter. This is the way it is supposed to be. Always has been, always will be.

Happy Birthday baby girl!