This Parenting Gig Is No Joke

In one of Marianne Williamson's book she talks about advice she was given from a friend that changed the way she parented. It was to refrain from constantly telling children what they can't do. The constant "NO" we as parents hear ourselves say way too often. Instead tell them what they can do. Basically focusing on the things done right instead of the things done wrong, things they can do instead of the things they can't do.

I have been trying, when I think of it, when I remember,...... to stop and breathe for a moment before I open my mouth. I want to take this advice.So..... instead of telling Annie, "Stop! No! Don't try and pick Lulu up like that (your gonna drop her!!)" I am opting for, " Annie, how about we let Lulu crawl , she is practicing and getting so good at it,Watch!"

Does this always work? Not so much. But, it does make for a much more pleasant home, I can tell you that much.

Does this always satisfy my need to control?....Ummmm no, not really.

I am finding there is a fine line between my need to control and just being a good parent. Am I just doing my duty as a mother to direct my children because that is my job OR am I wanting them to do it MY way? Am I providing gentle guidance using knowledge I  have derived from my own experiences OR am I taking on there "stuff" and not allowing them to learn from their own experiences? Am I allowing them to be who they are no matter how it makes me feel OR am I actually getting embarrassed by their actions like it is a reflection of me?

Tough questions. For me at least. That last one, getting embarrassed by my kids actions.......why???.

My oldest, Eliza, she is a shy kid. Really shy. Nervous too. She struggles with crowds and new people. When she is feeling her anxiety she shuts down a bit. She then gives off this aura of nose in the air, I am too cool for school.  It is not really who she is, just the nerves, but is how she deals. She wants so badly to be a part of but excludes herself, has an inner battle and sort of becomes unapproachable because of what she gives off.

This kills me.

Seriously. I want to jump in and freakin fix it. I want to blink my eyes or twitch my nose or nod my head and make all her fears disappear. I want her to be able to relax into herself. I want her to let go and have fun. I want everyone to see her for who she really is.

She is amazing. She is one of the funniest people I have ever had the sheer pleasure of knowing. At home, and in her safe places, she can let go and get as fun and funky as anyone else. She shakes her little booty, laughs louder than loud and enjoys life. She knows how to be a fabulous daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, and friend.

I am really proud of my kid. I love who she is.

Yet, I find myself continually cringing when in public and her little nose turns up in her uncomfortability. I suddenly feel the need to explain it away. I feel the desire to tell people, "This is not the real Eliza, she is so painfully shy, Please understand." I get embarrassed when adults, although they mean well, push themselves on my baby and basically try to pull her into the activity she is avoiding like the plague due to a crowd or strangers, and it turns ugly and into the dreaded tears.

We have been up, down, side to side and all around in dealing with this. We have tried being firm, gentle, on top of and totally backed off of. What I have found myself doing over and over again is telling my sweet girl what she "needs" to do. I have given lecture upon lecture on being yourself, confidence, being a warrior, staying true to yourself, being self assured and self esteem and courage and on and on. At seven and a half, I have already witnessed her eyes glazing over knowing the the only thing she is thinking anymore is, "Oh God, when is she going to be done so we can stop talking about this and have fun."

We have made the choice to accept our children for who they are. I just seem to forget I've made that choice sometimes and need reminders.......often.

Last night Eliza met and hung out with her best friend's really good friend. This "new girl" was older and very outgoing. Eliza took hours to warm up.....BUT she did warm up. Progress.

Waking up this morning I was very conscious not to harp on the hours it took Eliza to warm up last night. Or the way she avoided any eye contact with adults when saying good bye. Or the fact that when people were trying to encourage her to go have fun she turned her nose up and pretended not to care. Or, I could have gone to the "go to", "fall back" lecture on the difference between shy and rude. Oh, how we have beaten this one to death.

Regrettably......... this took restraint. I still wanted to give my two cents. I seriously had to almost sit on my hands not to go down that road. I start feeling like if she just understood the way I see it, she could change it. WTF???? Crazy but true at times.

BUT.....instead I told her how proud I was of her. How she walked through some fear. She had fun. She made a new friend. I told her I thought she may not be as shy as she has been made to think she is. Maybe she is growing up and out of shyness.

Hell yeah!!!!!!! this is progress my friends.


So, after I told her about my pride and how cool I think she is, she told me that her new friend actually asked her if she is shy. I was both nervous about how this may have made Eliza feel and impressed with this little girl's boldness to ask. With the attitude Eliza gives off she isn't always approachable. But Eliza answered her new friend and told her, yes. This new friend of hers, in a very little girl and innocent way, told my daughter that she too used to be shy too and now......she's not.

That simple.

This quick and simple conversation these two young girls had on the swings and under a night sky of fireworks, very well may have changed the way my daughter views many things now. This was profound in her seven and half year old world.

If I had let my "stuff" get in the way this morning or last night for that matter and started giving one of my lectures, I may have missed out on this new revelation Eliza had. This truly amazing and life changing moment would have been lost.

I think the advice Marianne Williamson had gotten and passed on is good advice. Why harp on what we are doing wrong? Especially when what we are all doing right is so much better.

So, tonight I will remind my girls, all of them, how much I love them for being exactly who they are. I will remind them they are perfect and shining lights in my life.  I will tell them that they have all they can ever need and want inside of them already. I will kiss them and tell them how grateful I am that I get to watch them grow and become butterflies.

Then......

I will remind myself that I am perfect and shiny and butterflyish too. I am learning and growing just like I always have been. I am exactly where I need to be and all I need is within me now.

Wow, this parenting gig is no joke.