One Year

A year ago today, at this time, my newborn baby girl lay alone. She was only hours old and I wasn't holding her. I don't even know if she had a name yet, I don't think so. It wasn't until the next day that I scribbled her name on a piece of paper for my family to read.

While little Lulu was being taken care of by the nurses and getting peek a boo visits from her dad and family, I was still in a strange place. A place I NEVER would have imagined myself being at 34 years old. I didn't know, maybe I was naive or maybe people just don't talk about it or maybe it really is that unlikely, but I really didn't believe that in this day in age a mother having her baby could go so wrong.

Andy and our family were being told at this time that it was touch and go. That, after losing seven out of my ten units of blood, my organs were shutting down. They had to continue transfusions and pray.

I was, of course, completely out for this. The last memory I have of July 14, 2009 was doctors flying around me, yelling, running.....leaving Andy in a bloody room alone as they whisked me into an operating room.....a nurse holding my head telling me they were going to do everything they could to take care of me and my baby......and all I wanted was to just go out, fall asleep.....I couldn't bear this scene anymore.

But....back to the prayers. I felt them. I don't know what went on while I was out but I do know, I mean without a doubt sure of know, that I was loved to life.

It is the same love that has carried me throughout this past year. I have to admit, it has been a strange year. I have been sort of out of it. In a fog a bit.

I wouldn't say it has been a bad year or a year I regret or want back. I was present for it. I remember it all. I enjoyed the majority of it and I am grateful for all of it. But there has still been this overlay of something I can't really put my finger on. It is like I have been waiting for something to happen. Like all of a sudden I was going to have an epiphany and know why my life was spared. I was going to be shown this major amazing unbelievable path that I was to follow to some fabulous and phenomenal quest in life.

I have been waiting, unconsciously waiting.

I didn't realize this until now. I noticed yesterday while I watched Marely and Me, holy sad movie, and I cried my eyes out. I realized that I have not cried a lot this past year. I had this major life altering traumatic experience. This, I would imagine, would make me so much more open and emotional. Instead, I have been guarded and.............scared.

When a friend of mine asked if I was feeling anything about the one year mark I replied with a quick, "NO, not really." Days later I was pretty much like, "Oh.......maybe I am."

I think I was kind of giving myself the year to be in this zone. I gave myself permission to lay low or be out of it....after all it hadn't even been a year yet.

Well.....here it is. A year.

I'm still ticking. I am still kicking. I am still living. And I am done waiting.

I am grateful for the love that has surrounded me and continues to lift me up. I pray to live my life in honor of that love. I pray to stay awake, present and open. Life is a gift.

My newborn baby girl made one hell of an entrance into this world. She is a blessing beyond belief. Today is her birthday. A day to celebrate! No more waiting. She deserves so much more than waiting.

Happy Birthday my little girl, thank YOU for the gift of life and the miracles you came here with.