The Grayish Area

When I was pregnant with Eliza I had, what I thought was, "morning sickness" except for the fact that I felt it at night. It didn't last long. In fact, it was really only one night that it got bad. My parents were vacationing in Vegas and I had the nerve to interrupt this getaway with a phone call full of complaining, whining, and crying to my mom. I was in shock at how uncomfortable and crappy I felt. I wanted it to just go away. I haven't had the best track record of dealing with uncomfortable feelings. My history is full of attempts at getting someone or something to just make it better. To bring the "comfort" back when I am missing it.

My poor parents. Their first daughter, pregnant with their first grandchild, and the drama began. Poor Andy too. The guy had the look of, "Holy Shit! What the hell did we get ourselves into. I should of got her the watch!" (Long story, basically Andy and I got engaged VERY fast, after only four months of dating. It was Christmas time and he was planning on getting me a watch.But when him and my sister Liz got together and got all stupid giddy....he bought a ring instead!! Yup, there was not much thought put into it in the moment that profoundly changed my life, nice huh?......And today I am grateful for that giddy stupidity that brought me here)
Andy on the other hand wasn't so sure that night while I talked to my gambling parents. In an attempt to "fix" the situation in anyway he could, he ran to Carvel and got me.....a large cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate sprinkles. Now, you need to understand. I had not had ice cream in probably 8 years at that point. I had become a strictly frozen yogurt kind of gal. But HOLY CRAP, when I took my first bite of Andy's medicine, all was right in my world again. My morning/night sickness was nothing when I was armed with my new fancy treat. What discomfort?? I was feeling nothing baby. I ate one of those almost every night for the next 9 months!

You see, my problems with food were never the food. It is always the guilt and shame and regret I felt after. I was pregnant. Isn't this what people did? It was this weird permission to eat all the things I had put in the "bad" category without and an ounce of remorse. It felt amazing. I enjoyed it. I was in shock that I did, after spending so many years doing the opposite, but I felt a new freedom.  That is.....until after I gave birth to this 10 lb baby and was still feeling and looking like I had a 70 lb baby hanging out in there. I had been OBLIVIOUS to how much damage I was doing to my body. The absence of shame, guilt, regret and remorse-fabulous......the absence of reality and total numbing out while doing it-stupid.

Do a lot of women eat a little crazy and give into cravings while pregnant? Of course. That was my rationality for doing it. However, do these same woman all have a history of using food like it's a drug to escape? Do they gain 70+ pounds while doing it? No no no. But I did. The so called "freedom" from food was just a way for me to escape the tremendous fear I had of being a wife and a new mother and ALL the changes that were coming with it all.

It wasn't until Eliza was almost two years old that I really started to get honest about all of this.

I swore that if I ever had another baby I would do things different. I did. When I was prego with Lulu I ate really really well. I took care of my body and the baby inside it. BUT it was a rough pregnancy. What I thought was "morning/night sickness" with Eliza was nothing compared to what I had going on this time. Oh boy, is all I can say. Food became an energy source and that was it. I couldn't have "used" food for anything else if I wanted to. I was too sick. I did listen to cravings this time. I knew that, as crappy as I felt, if I actually wanted something, then I must need it. This was a whole new world for me.

Now, SOOOO not pregnant, but still dealing with food. I am not using it to run but I am still not totally listening to my body either. I am somewhere in the middle. This became clear tonight.

Tomorrow is Lulu's birthday. It has been one whole year since we were blessed with her life and the miracles she brought with her. It has brought a lot up for me........... unexpected I must add. I am feeling so so so many things. Good things, yes,  but a lot of them. So many that I feel overwhelmed by it. I sort of want to go on a retreat or something and spend some time processing. But....not a possibility right now so I need to deal, right?

Well, tonight Andy is working late and I am on my own with the kids. It rained. The two older girls were tired from camp and feeling antsy to get moving. Lulu is teething and needy. I......was, and have been for a few days, feeling overwhelmed and a bit blah because of all the emotion coming up. I had NO clue what to make for dinner. Like really NO CLUE. Like my brain just wasn't going there.

So, we hopped in the car and kept driving and driving and finally........... we got ice cream for dinner ( frozen yogurt for me)! The girls almost fainted. Who was this woman they call their mother? Their smiles and excitement over Mommy's loss of her mind, was priceless. Worth it, for sure.

But.....tonight I am more aware of my limbo with food......still in the middle of the extremes. I am not feeling the guilt about it, which is freedom my friends, BUT I can also recognize the "using" of MY certain foods to not deal with the present moment.

I guess it is not such a bad place to be, the middle of extremes that is. More of a grayish area than so black or white.

That said, I believe I deserve even better than "not so bad". I want to feel the freedom and feel it in the present moment no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. That IS feeling alive, no? And I am here to feel it.

So, I continue on this journey. I do it with an open mind and heart.

More shall be revealed.