Why

 Day 19

Figuring out the "why" crappy things happen can leave you feeling lost, unsure, and desperate for answers. Most of the time, there are no answers. If there are, they are beyond us and our understanding. Sometimes we may see a glimpse of the "why" when things take a new turn. We then look back and realize that the very crappy thing that had us feeling so confused is the very same reason why we have such beauty in our lives today.

I recieved some crappy news today. One of my dearest friends lost a pregnancy. It doesn't matter how far along she was. It doesn't matter how long it took her to get pregnant. It doesn't matter if this is her first or fourth.

It sucks.

My heart is breaking for her. I wish she wasn't so damn far away so I could be with her. Don't know what I could do but I would want to just sit with her. I would make tea or some lunch. She could put on her comfiest sweats and curl up on the couch. I could hang with her or just set her up in comfort to be alone. I would do anything and everything I could to make sure she had the freedom to fall apart. To sob if she needed to. To throw things if she needed to. To yell, to cry, to rest......whatever she needed.

I know she has people in her life that are close to her and are doing these things for my friend.

But, honestly, I wish it was me......for selfish reasons I guess.

I know the pain she is feeling. I had two lost pregnancies.

It sucked.

When going through this experience you hear a lot from other people about how common it is. You are told stories about other people's friends or family members who went through it. Again, you are told how common it is. I do believe all of these people have the best of intentions and they mean well. Maybe it is common and it is always good to know you are not alone but when it is you going through it......it just hurts. plain and simple.

For me, the instant I found out I was pregnant, every time, life shifted. Everything was different. The future took on a whole new meaning. A new life was here and we started planning accordingly. That little life became a part of me immediately. No matter what I was told, no matter how hard I tried to not get attached, no matter what......I was powerless to the love that started to grow within me.

Even knowing what I know now, I would not change that.

When I was in the midst of mourning my loss I became concerned with the "why". Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this? Am I not meant to have more kids? What does it mean? Why????

Acceptance is always the answer for me. It is where I find my peace. It is the starting point from where I can move on. Before I get there I usually go through a whole mess of emotions. Shock, sadness, confusion, denial, anger....in no particular order. When I finally reach a point where I end up on my knees, admitting I don't know what to do....it is then that I begin the process of acceptance. It is a process. Sometimes taking longer than others and every minute of it is useful and purposeful. I find it better not to avoid any of it, no matter how uncomfortable because it only slows down the process. I have learned this through my own experience in doing so. It is a lesson I have relearned over and over again. A little more sinks in each time. It is progress.

When it comes to our story of our lost pregnancies , the "why" is very clear.

I always knew I wanted to adopt. I was sure of it. The timing it was going to happen was not as clear. For some reason I always assumed it would be later on in life. Maybe after we had a few biological children. The reason for this? I have no idea. My reasoning makes no sense to me now. It was just what I imagined.

After we lost the second pregnancy I was devestated. Due to the circumstances in which it happened, I was told I could not try to get pregnant for at least one year or it could be dangerous. I began to think that maybe it was time to consider adoption as a real possibility now. Less than a year later we had our paperwork in and a year after that our Annie was home. My little girl, Annie, is no doubt our daughter.

The timing of it all was perfect. Absolutely perfect. There is my "why".

I am in no way suggesting that everyone who miscarries is meant to adopt. (although it would be amazing)

What I do believe is that the "why" is not always revealed when we want it to be. There is a process. One that we need to go through. It is not always comfortable but it is always leading us somewhere.

I still wish I could give my friend some answers. Maybe it would lessen the pain. Maybe it could make her more comfortable. But this is all part of her story now. Her journey is her own. Together with her husband they will come to the other side of this all in perfect timing.