An Old Picture

Day 6

There is this picture that I wish I had for this post. It was taken a long time ago at my grandmother's house in New Jersey. I was probably about 13 or so which would make my sister Liz around 10. I remember the adults joking about this photo and saying how is captured our personalities so well. I didn't know if I should be insulted by this.

You see, in the picture my sister is holding my baby cousin ever so gently. My sister came out of the womb maternal. Liz always knew how to hold, change, comfort, feed, you name it....she was born to be a mommy. In the same picture I am sitting on the couch next to her looking the other way and fixing my earring. I was totally self absorbed. I even remember my outfit...totally late 80's early 90's and I know I was feeling damn cool. But when the adults joked I was conflicted. On one side I liked the way they were talking. They said things like " Oh that Rebecca, she better be rich when she gets older the way she likes to dress. Expensive taste! She can't be bothered with the babies. She has bigger things going on.  HAHAHA!" Still not so sure what was meant by that exactly.  I do know that I really liked the idea of being rich. I pictured myself as a sort of bi-coastal, high powered woman. Actress possibly. Extremely successful of course and always dressed to impress. We would joke that Liz would always have Thanksgiving dinner or any holiday for that matter and I would take the family out to an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant.

The thing is, what none of the adults knew at the time they were making those comments was that I loved babies. I loved the way they smelled. I loved the sounds they made. I couldn't wait to someday be a mom. I wanted to hold my baby cousin too. Really I did. I was just so nervous. That was Liz's gig. She was the maternal one. It came easy to her. I was awkward and shy. So I took on the other persona. Somehow in all that, more of what was in that picture, I formed many of my beliefs about what kind of adult I was going to be. What kind of mom I would be. What that looked like and how is should be done.

Seems so crazy to me now that I was basing my whole belief system of who I was and what I was to become on other people's opinions. Crazy but true.

 My life took a much different path than I believed it "should" and because of that I have felt less than content at many times. When I met Andy I had already studied abroad in London and traveled around Europe. I taught third grade for a year in Queens, NY while taking acting classes at night. I moved to Los Angeles, California for a year and pursued an acting career. I came back east and lived in Manhattan while teaching in Brooklyn. I met many many interesting people along my way. I was living the life I believed I "should" but something was not right.When it all got quiet.....I had some sort of pit in my stomach. 

Then I met Andy. Well I shouldn't say met, we knew each other for a long time. We went to elementary and high school together but were never friends or anything. When we first talked at my sisters wedding there was just something about the guy that made me smile. But I fought it and fought it hard. He did not fit into my belief system. He was from my home town for crying out loud. AND get this, he was living at home, had just quit his job and his car had just died!!! I mean, seriously.....are you f"n kidding me????!!! The complete opposite of what I thought I wanted. I was going to marry some older rich established man. That fit my belief system. This, Andy,  so so so did not fit. But it felt more "right" than anything ever before. It was just so comfortable and easy. I smiled more and felt lighter. I fell in love and there was no turning back.

Still can't believe it. I married a guy from my hometown. I had kids right away. I am now living in the town I grew up in. My kids go to the dancing school I went to, the church I grew up in. We live around the block from my parents, my sister, my sister in law and my brother in law. We are all within about a mile or two from each other.

Yesterday we drove to my mom and dad's house to park in their driveway because Eliza hurt her ankle and couldn't walk too far(whole other story). We walked down the block to the Memorial Day parade. The same parade I walked in as a Brownie and Andy walked in with his PAL soccer team. We met up with my sister and her family and some friends. Families that also live in this town. Our kids go to school together. Good good people that we can trust our kids with and laugh with. Real and solid friendships are forming not only for the kids but for us as well.  We are a part of a loving and supportive community.

This is me. This is the real me. I am a maternal, suburban, SAHM (stay at home mom), who drives a minivan, and likes to hang with other moms. It suits me. I believe I am right where I am supposed to be.


Let's not be mistaken. I am still a SAHM with an edge. I can still do worldly, eccentric, globe trotting, high fashion, money makin mama at the drop of a hat. But I have priorities and I now believe I can have it all!!

PS My maternal since birth sister is the one, granted she is still uber maternal and very Martha Stewartesque, is the one with the exciting job in the city.........go figure......life is funny........ and awesome:-)