Nosey Nancys

Day 13

"When did your son/daughter come home?" 

That is the best we can come up with. Most of the time we don't say anything. It is hard because we miss out on some really great conversations but it is a touchy subject we are still trying to navigate.

When we first started to move towards the direction of adoption, I knew we were headed for China. It was a gut thing. Some people have asked me, "Why China?", and my best answer is, "Because that is where my daughter was." 

Whenever we would see an Asian baby my heart would skip a beat. I wanted desperately to speak with the parents and pick their brain. I wanted to know their story and what life was like for them. I wanted to be new best friends with them for crying out loud! Anything to feel closer to my baby waiting for me on the other side of the world.

But this is a very difficult conversation to start. You can't tell some one's story by looking at them. You have no idea and to make an assumption could be offensive. So most of the time I would just smile. I would smile and look into the parents eyes searching for something I am not even sure of. I just wanted that connection. 

Now being on the other side of the scenario I know why I struggled to find the words and quite honestly I am glad I did. It is not an easy topic. It is one I LOVE to talk about.......in a safe and comfortable environment.  Not with some random Nosey Nancy in Stop and Shop. Especially when Annie is with me. Annie has her own questions. Hard ones. We do not need these stirred up, confused, or hurting my little girl in anyway. She listens people. Even when she is pretending not to, she hears it all.

Annie is my kid. I have three of them. They all came into this world in different ways. They each have their own story.

Funny how nobody looks at Eliza or Lulu and asks.......

 *what nationality their dad is?

*how much my hospital bills were?

*if they speak English?

*if it was hard having them?

*how long did I have to wait for them?

Nobody commends me saying...

*how lucky they are that I had them.

or

*tells me I saved their lives or, better yet, looks at them and tells them I saved their life!

or

*tells me about they cousins mother in law's brother's best friend's roommate's sister who also had a baby like mine

Nobody would have the audacity to tell me that because of their nationality or what they look like that they will defiantly be good in school. 

And the real kicker, the one that gets me every time, nobody ever asks me if Eliza and Lulu are REALLY mine? Am I REALLY their mother?

Nobody would do that or say any of this because it would be rude and assuming and, most importantly, could make the child uncomfortable.

Well.....it does. Annie hears it and internalizes every word. 

It is has been the biggest lesson I have ever had in speaking up and setting boundaries. I will not discuss details of the adoption in front of my kid. It is personal. It is our story. Annie can share what she wants when she wants. 

Of course, there are exceptions. There are those people who, like me during my wait for Annie, are asking because they want that connection or simply because they are touched by adoption in some way shape or form. We can usually spot those people immediately. There is a big difference in approach, not the words but how they are said. We were taught by our social worker to respond to uncomfortable questions with another question...."Why do you want to know?" 

Yesterday we were in Target. I had Lulu and Andy had Annie. We got split down two isles. As I was rounding the corner I heard Andy ask the question..."When did you get home with your daughter?" I looked up to find a women beaming with her little girl as she answered, "We just got home this past Saturday." For the next 10 minutes we shared stories and experiences that very few could understand or relate to. We, the parents were bonded in our similar journeys to our baby girls. We talked agencies, Chinese cities, site seeing in China, hotels, restaurants.....we could relate. 

The whole time Annie kept her eyes on me. Then she hugged me while I was talking and wouldn't let go. She finally glanced over at the other little girl ,who was 18 months old and just precious, to wave good bye. Those two little girls share more than we as parents do. They share more than I can even comprehend. 

As we walked away from our new friends Annie made it clear that THAT conversation was totally over. Too much. Overload. Seeing this other little girl rocked my baby's world. 

Andy and I will continue it at home. We already have. It is our responsibility but most importantly it is Annie's story. A story that has a lot of blanks that I can't fill in. A story that is only hers.. 

This is a lot for me to wrap my head around. What is it like for a 4, almost 5, year old?

I still don't know how to approach someone. I pretty much just don't. I trust that a knowing smile and a silent prayer is my best route today. Maybe that will change. Annie is my number one priority. That will never change. Her self esteem, her confidence, her sense of self, her comfort, her ability to feel safe, her feeling loved and wanted............

The only connection I need today is with my daughter.