Day 28

To my daughter's birth mother,

Our little girl turns five today. It is a day to celebrate. But I can't do that without thinking our you. 

I think of you often, very often, but not so much as today. The day our little girl was born. I know that today, without a shadow of a doubt, you are thinking of her too.

This day holds memories for you that I will never know. Five years ago today you gave birth to an angel. I can only imagine. I will never know why you made the choice you did. I will never know what you went through. I think about who may have been your support, if you even had any. I wonder if you held our baby. If  you studied her face, fingers and toes.  What did she look like then? What did she smell like? Was she held close? Did she know your love? Were you sure of you decision? Did you have doubts? Did you have a name for her? Does she look like you? Her birth father? Your parents?

I have so many questions for you. If only we could sit and talk.

I imagine you have as many, if not more, questions for me.

If I could tell you anything it would be that our baby girl is happy, really happy. As she turns five years old, she does it with a spunk and spirit that would make any mother proud. I like to think that you are fiery too. I would love if she gets this from you. Somehow this would assure me that you are living on strong. I like to imagine you laughing just like her. 

As I write this, our daughter, has come by to check on me several times and given me hugs and kisses every time. She is full of love.  It shines through her, all the time.

I know I will never be able to hear this from you yourself and that is frustrating. But I need to believe that you made your choice from a place of love. It had to be. You carried our little girl and gave her life. I am, and will forever be, tremendously grateful.

I vow to make every choice, for the rest of my life with our daughter, from that same place of love. I know, with unwavering faith, that she is exactly where she is supposed to be. I am her mommy. Every time I do her hair, brush her teeth, bring her to school, take care of her when she is sick, kiss her boo boos, say our prayers at night, sign her homework, watch her dance recitals, and all that is to come..........I will never take my time with her for granted. I know she is our blessing. You will always be a part of it all, there is no other way.

It is not always easy for me to think about you. It hurts too much. Your greatest lose is our greatest gift. What seems so unfair has brought our lives incredible joy.

I struggle with never wanting to forget you and pretending you didn't exist at the same time. She is so much our kid. She is our middle child. She is ours. She is my daughter.

But ..............

She is also yours.

Maybe I will some day be able to grasp this, wrap my head around it. Until then, I pray. I pray that you receive every blessing in your life that you desire.

I pray that today, on the day our baby was born, that you feel loved.

I love you.

Our little girl turns five today. It is something to celebrate.