Another Opportunity to Grow

Day 8

How many times have you heard someone say they are addicted to something like a t.v. show, the sun, a certain food...? Or that they just have an addictive personality? I have been witness to many conversations......... I have been part of many conversations that talk about addictions very lightly. It can be funny. It is something we can all relate to. We have all felt that pull towards something we maybe shouldn't have or that isn't too good for us. So when we hear someone say something like," It's so bad, I am so addicted to reality t.v! I can't stop.", we feel their pain. We respond with , " I hear ya sista/brother! I feel the same way with........" Knowing that they really aren't so proud of this behavior and need to be comforted in the idea that they are not alone.

We also know addiction as a much heavier topic. In cases where alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping.....the list goes on....are involved, we are less likely to laugh it off. Unless of course, we have experienced it first hand and have enough recovery behind us to be able to joke. In reality.... It is a hell. It is life altering and life sucking. It robs you of any joy or almost any emotion for that matter. With addiction, a person lives outside their body. Never present in the moment. Moments are too scary. Feelings are terrifying. So an addict hides. Hides in their substance. An addict runs.

Got a little heavy on ya, huh???

I had a dream when I was a kid. It was more like a reoccurring nightmare. I was running down my street, the street I grew up on. Every time my foot hit the ground it would crumble beneath me. So....I had to keep running and I had to run fast.

I am a food addict.  I am an equal opportunist when it comes to eating addictions.  I have gone through times of being addicted to eating too much food, eating way too little, and all the horrors of desperately trying to get rid of or reverse my last binge. It sucks. Not going to lie. Kicked my ass for a lot of my life. I spent years numb to any real true emotion. I ran like hell from feeling uncomfortable. I used food to do this. Every meal I sat down to, or stood up with or ran away from or got rid of, was just another opportunity to bolt. I didn't want to deal. Period.

I have been on a path of learning to deal and learning to stay open to life and every emotion that comes with it for quite some time now. Alleluia! I know how blessed I am. I am a better person for it. It was part of my path. I am grateful for it. I get amazed sometimes at where my life is today. People don't know me as a food addict. My kids have no idea of who I was when I used food. I am thankful for that everyday.

One of the things I learned in the last few years was that food itself had very little to do with my addiction or disease. It was the shame, guilt, regret, and remorse that sent me into a tizzy. Food is food. We have to eat it at least 3 times a day to stay healthy. It is really about what I believe the food will do for me before I eat it and the instant after when I am reminded of the lies I told myself once again. Enter shame, guilt, regret, and remorse.

When it comes to my food I can say I am free from most of these feelings on most days. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Again, alleluia! They do not control me anymore. I eat to fuel my body. I eat delicious foods. I enjoy my food. I feel good. ...........honestly, I feel fabulous!

What I have been noticing, in this past year in particular, is that what I am now addicted to ( besides starbucks, real housewives, kissing my kids necks, and intenSati) are the feelings of guilt, shame, regret and remorse. It is no longer centered around food, thank God, but don't be fooled. It has been sneaky and hard to pin point but is becoming ever so clear. I can't say I like those feelings. Quite the opposite. However, it is comfortable. I know it well. So, I have used these feeling for the same reasons I used food. To run.

If I am feeling good about my food and my body, what can I then focus on to feel crappy about? To beat myself up about?

Well.....unfortunately.....I have managed to find a whole slue of things to fill the void.

I didn't even see it coming..

This past week I was feeling so damn good about sticking with my commitments. I meditated and wrote everyday. Awesome right?! SO.........I started to notice myself whining internally about how I am meditating, about my lack of patience when meditating, about how I write, blah blah blah....

I am just grasping for things. 

This goes on all day. I "feel bad" about a lot. It is about meaningless stuff too. It is a waste of time. 

This has been a huge eyeopener. I have not been conscious of this until now. I am so freakin grateful because now I can change it.



NOW......I am willing to admit that I have been using the feelings of guilt, shame, regret and remorse so that I didn't need to step up and live my life to it's full potential. I have been scared.

I do believe that this can change and I am ready to let it go.

I surrender.


I am choosing not to run. I am choosing to shift my focus. My brain can only hold one thought at a time. I may not be able to control the thoughts that come in but I sure as hell can control which thoughts I let stay and hang out in there. (Enter intenSati:-)

This is just another step on my journey. Another chance to grow.

This is one more opportunity to be me, the best version.