Allergic

You all had to bear the brunt of my long day yesterday. You listened to me bitch a bit and for that I am grateful. I have to admit I almost did the same today. I have been avoiding writing because I didn't know where to begin. Nothing awful is going on. Things are good. Bottom line....I am feeling sorry for myself.

(Like my brother in law would say. "Somebody needs to call the WHHAAAMbulance." -bad joke, even worse when he, or my husband, says it when you are in the middle of a good complaint...really pisses you off)

OOOHHHH what a crappy place for me to be in. Leads me nowhere good. BAD news.

I realized this while I was stalling writing this post and was watching a rerun of New Jersey Housewives. (yes I really do watch this show ALL the time.....they crack me up!) Caroline's son Albie was kicked out of law school and pretty much feeling sorry for himself. I did feel for the poor guy. He, most defiantly, needs to go through his process. But, this is a show and it moves fast, no time for a process. We viewers need instant outcome. Sooooooooo as I watched I wanted to grab his face and tell him stand up straight. C'mon man! Stop whining and move on!!

Well.....I heard my own thoughts and listened.

This role of the victim is dangerous road for me to go down. It can only lead to guilt, regret, remorse, and resentment. These are no longer welcome here.

I have a good friend who told me she is allergic to being the victim. The minute she feels the ugly cloth of victim begin to cover her she immediately pulls it off and takes responsibility. She said even if she is in the car and someone cuts her off, if she begins playing the victim.......it is a dead end. Instead, she looks for her part in the situation, even if it is just the fact that she got angry.

At first I thought, " Oh, that's nice, good for you. But I don't really play that victim role. In fact, I get so irritated when people do that."

However, her words had really had a huge impact on me. Allergic was such a good way of putting it. I started to pay attention to when I heard myself complain. I began to feel myself feeling sorry for myself or blaming something or someone else for things that I totally had a role in. I saw how I play this role more often than I cared to admit.

I am so tired
I have no time.
I have to get up so early.
The kids need sleep and are cranky.
My house is so small.
I have so much to clean.
I have to cook again.
It is so hot.
It is so cold.
It is so.......whatever. (Seriously)
BLAH BLAH BLAH
IT IS SOOOOOOOO OLD!!!!!

When I become the victim it is like I am throwing my hands up and giving up. I am giving myself some sort of permission to feel sorry for myself, and stay stuck in it. Then I don't need to step up and take responsibility. Then I can continue to complain and blame everything around me for it. Then I don't have to take risks....I don't have to live this, sometimes scary, life.

In intenSati we talk a lot about being a warrior. Someone who stands up for their own truth. It is actually being vulnerable, staying strong and true to yourself. Heart is open to receive.Being a warrior is being alive. Walking through some of the fear and being totally present for all of the joys.

We make a choice each day to be a warrior or a whiner.

I am trying to teach this lesson to my kids. Part of the reason I was feeling like I was early tonight was because I am a little lost as to how to deal with an issue with Eliza. It feels so much bigger than me. In all my thinking, it started to take on a life of it's own. Who to talk to, where to go with it, and how to handle it........still not sure. But today I chose warrior. I am refusing to whine.

I mean that.

It became very clear to me that Eliza will best learn to be a warrior vs. a whiner by watching her mother do the same. It is time for me to trust my gut. It is time to strongly stand up in my truth and move forward.

My, very wise, mother in law used to say ........Change a thought, move a muscle.

I am moving now.

I am allergic to playing the victim.