Built In Forgetters

Day 5

I have something I once heard referred to as built in forgetters. I can hear something over and over, I can believe it, I can really know it and own it and still........just like that......forget it all.

Let me explain.

I have had a LLLLOOOONNNNGGGG journey when it comes to body image, food, exercise....and how these all relate not only to eachother but to basically every other area of my life. It is all connected and it all goes back there. For me. I will spare you details for now. No need to go there.

What I will say is that along this journey of mine I have had a lot of growth.  Major turning points and small personal milestones or victories. One I am thinking of now happened three summers ago. Eliza was three and we were waiting for Annie to come home. Eliza was much more active and I would soon have two kids to chase after. The pool and the beach were unavoidable. See, since I had Eliza, I had avoided getting into a bathing suit. I was very good at dodging every possibility of slim chance of having to get in one. It is amazing Eliza learned to swim and loves the water as much as she does. A miracle really. Andy, my sisters, my parents, friends......not me. I was sad about this.  It didn't feel right. It was sad and still is. I let my own insecurities and "issues" get in the way of time, real quality fun time, with my kid. Not to mention what kind of messages I was sending my little girl.

Gratefully, I didn't stay in that place. I caved. I ended up in Macy's on a random Wednesday night with my sister looking for a miraculous bathing suit that I could feel comfortable in enough to enjoy my summer with my kids. I spent a lot of money on it. Well worth every penny I must add. It was seriously a great suit. Still is. You really do get what you pay for. I have now had summers of fun memories in that suit. I am still not a huge swimmer but I learned this is just me. I prefer to hang back on the side with an occasional dip....like an old lady. It wasn't all about the fat complex I am just more like a 90 year old woman than I care to admit....who knew?!

That first day I wore the suit was at the beach with my sisters. Who better to make my adult bathing suit debut with?. Two of my biggest fans. They basically held my hand through each minute in their own way. It was not easy at first. Excruciating really. Torturous maybe. But as each minute passed I became liberated. I even got up and walked to the water with the kids without putting my cover up on OR stressing about each move. I was actually present in the moment. Huge breakthrough. Big day for me.

(It must be said, I was also doing some major internal work and it was time for it to make its way out)

Since then I have suited up every summer. I even sit up in my suit! May sound like nothing to you but I spent years only laying down in a bathing suit. If  I had to get up I would shimmy my way into my shorts before I even thought of bending my body to expose the belly rolls. This, my friends, was my insanity. Not fun. Way way WAY too time consuming, especially after having kids. I think my 2 year old making a bee line for the ocean takes precedence over my thighs having cellulite. Dontcha think?

Okay.....so in many ways I have felt liberated in my skin since then. Major strides have been made. I have taken my physical fitness and the food I fuel my body with very seriously.  I learned my body is a temple, an instrument rather than an ornament. I have a new honest and loving relationship with my body. I even, at times, felt pretty damn hot. Yep, no joke, I learned how to rock what I got. I know this is an absolute miracle and never has it been taken for granted. I have even made it a major goal of mine to share how I made this shift with teenage girls. Hopefully spare them years of self loathing and encourage them to shine.

Here's where the built in forgetters come in.......... Yesterday, as I tried on my summer clothes....the ones I haven't worn in a couple of years because I was pregnant last year......and they are all tight.......I forgot all the strides, awakenings, accomplishments, victories, and miracles. I just felt fat. I went right back. Feeling huge. Even the high I have been on from my morning meditations........forgotten.

I KNOW! Sucks right?!

Here's the growth....(I need to stay in the growth and the gratitude today so I continue moving forward)......I didn't get stuck. I found a shirt that felt good. I did my hair, put my makeup on and I hosted a killer BBQ. I showed up and did it with a smile....a genuine one. I may have had a forgetful moment but today my beliefs have changed. I have a better sense of who I am and my self worth is not dependent on the way my clothes fit........really.

That is a miracle I refuse to take for granted.

With that said, I am ready to feel strong in my body again. There are some minor changes in diet and exercise routine that need to be made. This has been building. I haven't felt "hot" in awhile. Up until now, I knowingly was not willing to make those changes. I have been honest with myself about that and therefore have no shame, guilt or resentment about it.

But.......I am ready now.

Screw the built in forgetters! Now it is in writing!!!!